Wedding Disaster

I Say ‘No’ to the Dress

There is nothing I hate more than trying on wedding dresses. And for my faithful readers, I will cut right to the chase as to why that is. Behold: Ten Things I Hate About Wedding Dresses, The Musical (I also hate musicals) I am a different size for LITERALLY EVERY STYLE / MAKE / MODEL ...

candy

Dipped and Dyed

It was two o’clock on a Sunday when my eyes fluttered open. The light was bright–like, make-me-wretch-violently, bright. “Good,” I breathed warily, “It’s not rush hour yet.” It was two o’clock, to be exact, on Easter Sunday. Really, it was just another day. As long as the Ralph’s on La Brea stayed open until I could get there-or-be-square, ...

An Ambivert’s Delimma

Back in the dog days of summer, 2015, I visited with friends I’ve had since middle school. We talked for hours about all sorts of things, particularly how our lives had run parallel to each other’s over the years. For whatever reason, we began to talk about the difference between introverts and extroverts. We all ...

Blind Spots

I got in from New York City last night around 9:30pm. Nothing of note happened during the bus ride (s), except maybe for the Albanian man SCREAMING into his phone for SEVEN hours. Or the sub-zero temperatures. And/or the noxious smell of piss and shit from the “full service” bathrooms. Come to think of it, ...

illustration

Cent’Anni! (But I’ll take Two Years)

A traditional Italian toast–“Cent’Anni!”–blesses the toastee with wishes to live 100 years. I’ve walked this earth made from a colorful mixture of Italian, Scottish, English, German, Scottish and French stock, never having toasted much of anything (with the exception of my twin at her wedding. But not before I got into the champagne). I jumped ...

Bowie

Give Me Your Hands ‘Cos You’re Wonderful

The last thing my father did before he died was play a flute solo in church. Power move. He was an atheist who frequented our Episcopalian church with the simple excuse to play music for people. He ended on a high note–literally–collapsing against a piano. He felt no pain. He would elicit no such drama. “Atheist Dies in Church, Performs Final Solo,” read the headline ...

The Victimless Crimes of New York City

I am sitting at a community table, listening to Erykah Badu on Spotify, in a bustling Starbucks on West 41st street near Times Square. I welcome the noise of the espresso machine snarling at me over my own thoughts and even my music. I remember this feeling of aloneness being here.  I’ve learned how to ...

Fuck-22

Friday is a special day for me–let’s call it Fucking Friday. I couldn’t sleep last night (surprise) so I trolled the internet because that’s one of the things I do best. At the 5am golden hour, I received a text message from the guy I was supposed to be going on a date with tonight. ...

Can You Ever Just Be Whelmed?

A new friend from Richmond called me today to see how I was doing. She was surprised when I told her I had been feeling anxious for the past week. She remembered me the last time we talked–that I sounded optimistic and excited to be here. I told her it was the new anxiety meds ...

CA and VA: My Star-Crossed Lovers

I am awaiting my flight to Vegas on a layover in the heavily populated Phoenix airport. In an attempt to be thrifty, I am hopping three flights to get to Philly where my sister and brother-in-law live. A man just sat down next to me talking all kinds of smack to himself. He belches a ...