I Say ‘No’ to the Dress

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Wedding Disaster

There is nothing I hate more than trying on wedding dresses. And for my faithful readers, I will cut right to the chase as to why that is.

Behold:

Ten Things I Hate About Wedding Dresses, The Musical (I also hate musicals)

  1. I am a different size for LITERALLY EVERY STYLE / MAKE / MODEL OF DRESS.
  2. The internet is a giant rabbit hole for wedding looks, i.e., Modcloth, JCrew, Pinterest, Wedding Wire, The Knot, etc., into which I’ve fallen for hours and hours.
  3. One look at a dress and I’ve decided this HAS to be the one. Has to be. (It’s not.)
  4. It’s almost June and I cannot stop sweating enough to zipper / button / clasp a dress.
  5. Wedding dress material is extremely uncomfortable and impractical.
  6. Nearly every dress I’ve tried on, on-site, requires alterations.
  7. Alterations, I’ve discovered, cost almost as much as the dress itself (sometimes more).
  8. Every single person has a differing opinion about what is flattering on me and what is not. By every single person, I mostly mean me.
  9. My shoes are the only thing I have ever cared about getting right about the outfit.
  10. The term ‘bridezilla’ actually exists, which describes me the second I walk into David’s Bridal–but only because I want to burn it to the ground in a taffeta blaze of glory.

Now I realize, dear friends, that wedding-dress shopping is most definitely a thing. Otherwise, why would there be several shows about The Quest for the Dress that most women I know watch with rapt attention? It’s an event, a group excursion. Except everyone is tired and I am fickle. Not to mention my attention span is short for shopping as-is. I just dislike any kind of shopping that is not for gifts, jewelry, perfume or books, and all of those I can get online.

Which brings me to my most favorite part of this post: photos. Lest I invite some weird curse for being seen in a white dress before the wedding, I will attempt to fly in the face of my own superstitions. Below, I have compiled a few of my favorite dress failures for your viewing pleasure. And without further ado, here are the dresses I said ‘no’ to (just not to their faces):

  1. The Sponsor’s Dress.

This one gets me. In my high school, traditions were big. One of those traditions was to get young girls in white dresses to parade around in a cotillion-like ritual with guys and their ROTC companies. The irony is not lost on me that as a “sponsor” to my guy’s company–baking cookies and pretending to care about their chauvinistic rituals–I would actually be foreshadowing my role as a real-life sponsor to women in my 12-step program. In a panic recently, I decided to try on this dress to a). see if it still fit and b). attempt to lock down a dress without having to put forth any effort. Shit didn’t fly.

2. The ModCloth Dress

I don’t even know with this one. Even though I exchanged it for a size up, this shit just did not feel good on. Also, it felt juvenile. And the need to get a bigger size launched into effect an ego-feeding frenzy until I finally stopped trying to squeeze into the tinier version.

modcloth

3. The Mommy Dress.

Because I am a sucker for nostalgia, I tried so hard to want to wear this dress. Alas, the 80’s have come and gone. I cannot wear this in good faith to fashion.

4. The $20 Dress.

I mean, it was $20.

20 dollar dress

5. The Random, Unplanned Bridal Store Drop-in Dress.

I drove around town with my mom in a fit of willingness/inspiration, which almost never happens. We stopped at a bridal store in Chester, VA, where I tried on dresses in front of someone else’s family. They oo’ed and aww’ed.

When my mom snapped this second photo, I was literally in the midst of saying, “fuck this.”

***

I guess the answer to this dress saga will eventually be solved. If it doesn’t happen soon, I will choose a white bathing suit and proceed with a mixture of false confidence and madness.

Needless to say, I give a resounding NO to all of the above atrocities.

More to come,

Lucy xx

P.S. Please Google “ugly wedding dresses” immediately. You won’t be sorry you did.

 

UPDATE: I did find the dress…

 

Photo courtesy of Mama Cakes Cumbria Blog


Lucy Hartman

Lucy Hartman

I'm funnier when I'm sober.

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