Category: Uncategorized

Entitlement is a Warm Gun

A Friendly Wager Let’s assume that this is the first and ONLY pandemic of our lifetime. It’s a stretch, I know. So far, COVID-19 is the first and ONLY instance in modern history where every single person ON THE PLANET is experiencing the same thing. Of course, we can’t all live how the “Haves” would. ...

What a Time to Be Alive

Stranger Than Fiction I made it 1/4 of the way through Gabriel García Márquez’s novel Love in the Time of Cholera before I set my copy down never to return to it again. I mispronounced cholera for the duration of my time between those covers. The way I said it, ignorance sounded like ko-LEH-rah. I don’t do ...

Don’t Look Down

Tip Toe / Chokehold My wedding shoes were five inches tall, making me a five-foot-nine bride. I chose the shoes before the dress becuase I despise trying on clothes. When I settled on electric blue shoes, the splash of color and tradition were all I wanted to see. It wasn’t until I stood at such ...

Hands to Pants Combat

It was during my first weekend as a co-ed I discovered how to get rid of the spins. When I engaged in furious making out and/or heavy petting, I became distracted from the disco ball in my head long enough to fight back nausea. This amounted to many nights twisted up in sheets, learning to ...

This Thing of Ours

I’ve never read Dante’s Inferno, but I can personally testify to its veracity– there is more than one layer of hell to visit alone. The progression of my alcoholism was swift and perfunctory. The first time I got drunk, I blacked out. It was then that I smoked my inagural cigarette–a Marlboro Light–after which I ...

Five Ways to Celebrate Holidays Sane and Sober

Who says we can’t be truly charitable with our party personalities during the holidays? One thing I always keep in mind by the time Thanksgiving rolls around is that I have a lot to bring to the season. I don’t need to sway clumsily over the stove, slurring my words as I forget to add ...

Chocolate Calenders

The first Christmas I spent entirely drunk was in Florida. Coincidentally, Florida was the last place I was drunk for the holidays. In 2013, I visited my twin and brother-in-law in Miami. I cornered her after I downed two vodka sodas to demand an explanation and an apology for why she never visited me. I ...

Roberta

Dog, Interrupted

“Nice to meet you, Lucy, that’s my dog’s name!” For years now, this is how conversations with people I’ve never met have started. It is the reason I now know that “Lucy” is the most popular female dog’s name in the world. The world. I can’t say that I hate it. People love their dogs, thereby ...

PWD Gemini

Free Spirit

I’ve been referred to as a “free spirit” by no less than ten people in my lifetime. The first time I heard it, I bristled. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I snarled. The first guy who made this observation was, by all accounts, a Grade A Douchebag, so I shrugged it off. He and ...

Whitney-Houston-1991-billboard

A Tale of Two Drug Epidemics: The Black and White Grey Area

As a feminist, I care about two things: Who gets heard and How. As a sober person, I care enough to do something about it. Lately, I’ve been troubled with thoughts about the opioid crisis in America. I share the deep sympathy and outrage of our populous for victims of mass addiction. Big Pharma, like ...